If I had a llama

The following memoranda (memorandi? memorandums? holla at my Grammar Nazis? where are you guys?) shows you what I’d do if I had a llama.

Llama demigod– If I had a llama, I would ride it all the way to Camp Half-Blood instead of seeking out Grover or another satyr for help. It would show everyone what a badass I truly am. And my llama. Because llamas are badass. When I get to Camp Half-Blood I will hop of my llama and run all the way to the Hephaestus cabin, fling open the door dramatically, find Leo Valdez, and proceed to have sex with that fine piece of ass. Then people will throw money at us. When I finish de-flowering the McShizzle, I will use the money that was thrown at me to buy crack. Not for me, but for the llama. So it would forgive me for using it as transportation. Then I will marry Leo Valdez.

Circus llama– If I had a llama, I would surgically attach a white carrot to its face so it looks like a hairy unicorn. Then I will teach my hairy unicorn to do tricks, like standing on one leg, the Bat-Bogey Hex, and the Dougie. I will open a circus and people will pay to see my hairy unicorn do such tricks. I will use the money we earned to buy crack. For the llama, not me. So it doesn’t mind having a white carrot attached to his face for the rest of his life.

John Lennon llama–  If I had a llama, I would buy a pair of round glasses and make my llama wear the glasses. It would summon the spirit of John Lennon and the spirit would possess my llama. Then I would have my llama record a song, and it will go to the top of the charts because John Lennon is possessing my llama. We’ll make more money than the guy who wrote Gangnam Style. With the money we earned I will buy a Camp Half-Blood shirt for me and a Camp Half-Blood shirt for my llama. Then I will have sex with Leo Valdez.

Skrillex llama– If I had a llama, I would take it to a Skrillex concert along with a dart gun and a bunch of Glo-Sticks. I would use the dart gun to shoot Skrillex with elephant tranquilizer so he passes out. While the audience runs amok, I will bring my llama onstage and get him to press the “play” button on his laptop, and the audience will go wild. My llama would be decked out in Glo-Sticks. And everyone will talk about how we saved the day. Tom Felton would be at the concert, and he would come up to me afterwards and be like “Your llama is really awesome, and you’re incredibly sexy.” He would kiss me on the cheek and then I would just die.

Hitman llama– If I had a llama, I would bring it to the Spanish Mafia and have the llama be their hitman. They would pay my llama to kill Justin Bieber and all the members of One Direction. But PLOT TWIST! I would turn them in to the police and say that my llama’s evil twin killed the pop icons. That way we wouldn’t get in trouble. I would use the money we earned to buy Stephanie Meyer and hand her over to the police for ruining humanity’s literary awesomeness. Then I will get some sleep.

Dalai llama– If I had a llama, I would move to Tibet with my friend Anna and we would live there with my llama. We will meet the Dalai Lama, kidnap him, and wipe his memory. Then we would dress my llama in orange bath-towels. My llama would become the spiritual leader of Tibet and kick China’s sorry ass out. Then me and Anna will teach the Dalai Lama how to breakdance. Then I will have sex with Leo Valdez.

Someone needs to buy me a llama.

— Sabrina



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